No matter how good you are, you will surely make a mistake.

Its been awhile, diary. Been awhile as in 5 years later. I am here to write, again. When you started to write again after many years, you know something is not right, you know something is hurting you deeply inside and that is what I am feeling right now.

For the past 5 years, my life has changed drastically, mentally and physically. Despite that, I am still the Putry everyone knows except that I probably have grown up a little. Life teaches me a lot as I grow older. There are so many things that I thought I know but I did not actually know. Maybe it's time for me to learn to not take a good life for granted.

I have been a big girl since I started high school. And it increases overtime, I ended up being a type 3 obese. It was not easy during those time. I get hated on, talked on, people do not like to look at me, there is always something to talk about of how I look. I was naive, indeed, Eventually, I tried to ignore the hatred I was thrown and move on with life. But life was so good that I was given the light to start eating healthy, exercises and being a positive minded, that caused me to lose half of my body weight. I look different today, I feel different today, I could have never been happier that I am healthy and fit as ever.

And that also land me a job that I never thought I could have, a stewardess. I have had worked with a big- reputation-airlines for 2 years. Time flies when you are having fun. I have been away from my family and living on my own since then. 27 years of living, its my first time being away from home. I have mixed feeling about it, of course I have been home-sick despite that I did went back home once in awhile. But never have I feel so grateful that Allah had allow me to make my parents happy by sharing good allowances I received from this job.

But.. of course life does not always shine your way. People always said, "dalam hidup pasti ada ujian" and that ujian has hit my life, hard. Very very hard. Maybe, I was not thankful enough. Maybe I had forgotten some things in life that everything was taken back from me. It took me 1 year to recover and to be back and to think positively again. No one ever knows how heavy I had to carry, except for my now-husband. Yes, I am married today btw. I finally break my 14 years online relationship. The same person and the same guy. Alhamdulillah.

Well, I will talk about it more in another day. I came here to thank to Allah for the life I had today. And I am hoping for a better way for me in the coming years. InsyaAllah, good thing will come to my way. I have faith and believe in that.

Until then,

January 2026.

One day you're young and next you know you have a favorite grocery store

Good evening. And I am here making my blog alive again. I thought that I have forgotten my email to this blog. I would cry a river.

I miss having a full time to myself where I am able to write blog without feeling any distressed. Well, welcome to adult life. I worked full time now as I graduated from university last year. Honestly, it is not easy at all. One time, I feel like giving up. I wish that I don't have to face this so called "life-after-university" time.

I have been working for almost 7 months now and I would say that I am tied with pile of works and something that is not my passion and liking. For the sake of living, I did it. My major and my job has nothing to relate at all. I guess I will be stuck here for years and the worst part, being a loner as usual. How I wish making real friends are as easy. 

Mum is recovering, from a disease which has no cure, cancer. A breast cancer to be specific. Mum had cancer since 2004 and went chemoteherapy for one session years back. Unfortunately it came back early this year. Only Allah knows how my heart drops when I first received that news. It's hard to accept that she had to undergo that killer therapy again, for six sessions. 

Alhamdulillah, she managed to fight that evil treatments except that she is still under observation for fully recovery. I can't even imagine my life without both of my parents. All I can pray for is for them to have a good health, period.

Tuesday, 18th June 2019.

Reboot, Restarting

Hello, fellow friends. Though I know it is just only me who will be reading this but who cares. Writing ease down my pain so much, at least at the moment. Four months to go until we reach the end of 2017. In a blink of an eye isn't it? True, many ups and downs I have been through out this year and I must say it was not easy. I almost give up at one point but hey guess who was able to stand still and fight those cruel people and world out there? Sometimes you will have to stand on your own two feet to survive.

As for diploma, I almost, almost about to end it, InsyaAllah by the end of this year. I will need to struggle a bit more for my final semester. Tbh my CGPA is not satisfying. I kind of distracted for the past few years, and you know what I am letting it go now. And hopefully, I am able to focus more, at least for my final semester. (p/s: I'm waiting for my short sem results atm, pls pray I'll pass all subject!) 

Dad, of course, wanted me to pursue my degree, me too. And I guess I'm ready. At second thought, I wanted to work and ditch studying (degree) because I wanted to get married. But after all that happened, I really lose hopes. I feel like he's not there anymore. I can't feel him. We weren't fighting neither having a conflict. Maybe he wasn't there when I really needed him. But that's fine...

And back to having degree, So I decided to continue it, maybe just maybe in different fields. I do not really enjoy studying what I studied at the moment but I will have to finish it, there's no turning back. And that's why a wise decision is important or else you will end up like this, full of regrets. But I'm fine with it, I guess that's just normal and common for any other people. InsyaAllah kalau ada rezeki, I will keep on studying and if not I will spend my alone time travelling until my jodoh come and purpose me in time. Till then.

-25-8-2017-

Four months to 2016

31st August 2015

Greetings! and Happy Independence day to all malaysians. Although, Malaysia is fucked up actually. blergh. So, i'm actually is about to go out now and mum asked me to drive today. Yep, eventhough I haven't got my license yet. My JPJ will be on 17/9. More like 2-3 weeks from now. It scares me, I know. Hopefully I passed it with honour ceh. But please :-( I tried to ditch the repeat, and I hope I will not get repeated.

So, Last night I had a dinner with the fam bam. Nothing fancy, we went to kenny rogers in subang parade. Spending some times together and exhale some shits. Pretty much, fun. I get the opportunity to tell my parents about my college and stuffs. My recent college is actually weird or in other word I must say, terrible. The facilities is fine, nothing really bad. But the management is a no. What will you do if you only get to break for a week after final instead of four weeks? like other colleges. With a reason to "mempercepatkan pelajaran". Yo, my parents paid fees for 2.5 years not for 2.2 years or 2.1 years or anything. Dad is actually unhappy. But mum, idk she seems to not understand very well. I've been told to change my college after semester 1. My dad asked me to. But don't know where yet. Most probably in subang jaya. or maybe somewhere else. Dad said, jauh sikit takpe cause by next year I have license already (InsyaAllah). But still, this is just a planning, not really sure yet as I tried so hard to not burden my parents with this "changing college procedure" I know it's a lot of thing to do. If this campus management gets worser, then I might have to move to another college. Let see how it goes. TTYL :-)

Life's a bitch and so are you

10th June 2015

Hello, apparently im writing this using my phone right and I constantly find it way harder than using keyboard lol. Like usual, just bored so I decided to write a blog before I actually sleep. It's 11pm, I know it's early for a normal teenager but I have driving test tomorrow morning so yeah, gotta wake my ass up. Supposely, I have some research to do, but you know "lazy" take over me. I've been told to watch 3 movies. Thats actually hard cause I don't watch movies that often only if I find it interesting so I might will just fall asleep, do something else or not watch the movie at all lol, reason why sir gave us this research cause we will have another presentation soon which is not my favorite thing. I did the pre-presentation that day in class and I will have to say I was awkward as heck. I don't know what I was talking about and sir said that we will have a lot of presentation coming up, infront of the seniors and lecturers. I'm a shy person and I don't know if I can actually face it but if it's a group presentation it should be a little fine though.

By the way, it's gloomy night for me too. I think I've had enough for being stupid for people. They will never appreciate anyway or at least take care of my heart. I used to give chances, a lot but you never make good out of it, how many chances do you expect more?  I do have feelings and sometimes I need your attention more than you do. I feel abandoned everytime, Im not important at all, I don't feel it, I don't even see it. Makin lama, makin sakit. I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't know who should I talk to except writing to this. I really had enough, this time. 

They call me freedom

9th June 2015

Hi, very good evening. Haven't write blog in quite awhile I guess? Starting to get busy with life again since I started my study. Yeap, school all over again except no uniforms heh. It's been almost 1 month since I enrolled college, and pretty much still fine, classmates are nice, mentor is nice aswell. Nothing really makes me hate college YET, except for the unexpected cancelled class, geez. No dresscode and all, wear what the heck you wanna wear. It's way way different than school it's culture-shocking me a little haha. Orientation was great too, and right now I am waiting for my oath taking ceremony and also is participating in cup song club which I will be playing the cup on the stage on oath taking day. Oath taking is expected to be on September but I don't know la. About UPU, I do apply it cause mum said, apply je nak tengok dia bagi course apa based on my results, ended up I dapat, masscom uitm in Melaka kot tak silap which is not my thing too haha so yeah that was what UPU gave me and what my results deserve. Plus I'm not an asrama kid since I was little, I never wanted to be far from home, I lagi selesa in my own room and by my own. So dad decided to send me to the nearest college which makes me ulang alik. I know sucks people might say, boring gila college dekat dengan rumah, Tak extreme at all. mengada gila and blahblah, but well your opinion does not matter. I am happy with my life.

I was talking to dad recently, I said ayah how about if I graduate diploma and degree sambung oversea? What do you think? So far, dad said pergi je, I support you, But mum will have to think twice to lepaskan me to another places. But honestly, I been thinking to achieve that goals of mine, to pursue Degree in oversea. To know that dad is supporting me makes me eager to belajar betul betul until I graduate. Since fashion major in Malaysia tak banyak pun, So I was thinking to fly and get good results eventhough, Fashion design is not a simple course as what some people think. Oh it's just an art major, I learned Biology way harder than your ass. Lol? sad to think that some people think that way. In fashion we have accountancy as well which consist mathematics. Our practical will be, sewing. Yes, examination duduk atas tempat menjahit and jahit baju. If you can't draw, or hate drawing or not interested definitely tak boleh go on with the course. My drawing isn't good, but practice, yes I spend time by just practicing my drawing, colouring and stuffs. It's tough super tough. Thinking about it makes my head explode. And fashion have lots and lots of assignment, event, and project. I feel like crying though cause I never learn to sew, I mean I can't sew. I was never thinking to pursue Fashion design at first but I do love playing dressing up since I was little, especially to a barbie or polly pocket or a dressing up game on internet lol. Back then I used to wanted to be a doctor, I mean a vaterinar. Yes Doctor haiwan. But starting high school I realize my science is terrible than I expected lol it's not that terrible but I never show any interest in science at all, it's bored to me. Despite all of that, I still can't believe I achieved B+ for science in SPM results. Eventhough I still had chance to be a vaterinar but I put it away, cause I know separuh jalan, I will tak minat anymore haha cause SCIENCE. So my second choice is fashion, I know people will say, senang ke nak dapat kerja? and stuffs but lol everyday you wear is a fashion :)

Save the best for last

1st December 2014

Asalammukalaikum dan salam satu haribulan haha. Thinking of updating my blog a little bit before I actually head to bed. Just finished studying for ERT though and yes I took ERT subject which is tomorrow and also it will be my last paper. Yay or nay?. Plus I am clearing out the textbook to be send by tomorrow too. Not sure to feel sad or happy. Well I must say it's in between feelings ok. Been with the ERT class for 2 years and quite fun although I don't really fit in lol. But thanks to some of the group in the class that helped me in my studies. cc;- Hanisah and the gang, syazleena and hidoyah no, her name is hidayah but I called her hidoyah. Weirdo. I don't want to be so confident about myself that tomorrow's going to be the last paper in my life cause you know, the results are still the penentu wether it's going to be my last paper or REPEAT the paper. Nauzubillah jauhkan la. Hopefully lulus la semua subjects that I took and my keputusan SPM. Amin amin amin.

Today, I went to saloon and trimming my hair since It's already too long and it is somehow merimaskan haha so I trimmed about 2 inch of my hair. Sedih gila because I love keeping long hair but for the sake of keeping my hair out of the split end, I go on with the flow je la. That's it all I guess. And I also already packed my things although belum lagi complete since I'll be flying on 4th December. I am excited but not lol I'm sad. Relationship is always hard makin besar makin susah and I guess I feel like moving on I mean I don't know I been hurt so so bad and I just couldn't take it anymore cam lantak ah I am somehow happy with my life and yeah. And oh! btw, can't believe that I actually will be skipping the PLKN lol it's not what I've been expecting I really thought that I will be going there but I was so mad and depress because macam awal gila and I'm not ready plus I memang taknak pergi I am so thankful that I don't have to go this awal gila. Alhamdulillah. My mum sent the surat penangguhan like a week ago, but then they didn't give any respond. Not sure if they are going to respond or not. But whatever I hope they eliminate me from the camp or something lol. Goodnight.

One litre of fears

31th December 2013

Hello

So, Happy new year to all in advance may all have new resolutions and aspirations and of course be a better person. Still can't believe its almost 2014 and yup this is my last post for 2013. Goodbye 2013 thank you for the sweet and bitter memories.

First off, I'm actually not really in mood. Kadang kadang some people bila dia buat salah dia tak boleh nak accept the fact. Somehow I don't know how to deal with a human like this beside than just keep quite and biar dia sedar sendiri. I'm sad obviously I mean I tried to ambil berat about you everytime. Tinggal bagitahu je pergi mana kat mana with whom and stuffs. You give time on me text or call or anything tell me sekejap pun tak boleh ke? I'm here waiting. I feel unimportant. I know who I am but tah la you know sendiri la and think sendiri. If still wanted to put all the blame on me then go on. I forgave you like so many times now, but still you ain't want to appreciate sikit then sampai bila nak biar orang pijak je kepala aku?

Anyway, I just finished cleaning my room and everything has completos and tbh my room has never been this clean. Threw all unused stuffs and clothes. Decided to clear it all out today since I have that energy to actually stand up and start moving. Clearly, I've been cleaning and organizing since 3 days ago but I had to stop cause I was tired and sleepy and ended up sleep. Typical self. So nothing much to say cause I didnt really going out this week instead, doing chores. Just wanted to show this secret idk what it called a cabinet? in my room where no one's ever open or touch it or even my mum or maid or anyone who has entered my room.. So here it is... *whisper*

Tadaaa! yeah so lame I know lol I wish I could put those in a bigger cabinet but nope all cabinet's are full with books, school books and my random things. I was having an intention to show him this but since we were not talking to each other I guess I'll just keep quite. And mind that shining ass kind of thing on side it was actually a light up candle. So yeah basically these are some of things that is given to me from him. Some are from 2011 where we were just started to know each other and tried to become closer. There's alot but its impossible to plug in all in this small little cabinet. Like seriously, everytime I opened it and I will ended up crying I know sounds so emotional but really it will makes me cry. So I don't really open it often except when I kinda missing of something or anything sorta like that ahah. But this has been a sweet memories as long as I can remember..

Ok then time to hit the sack. Anyway probably will not be going to school this tuesday because of some reasons and you know, extra holidays is the best thing ever in the world. Just saying. Goodnight and toodles. ♡

Xoxo

25th December 2013

Hi. So merry christmas to all non-muslims. Have a splendid day. Just get off the phone with someone and it went bad. I'm feeling sad though I don't know it's not that I'm too sensitive. But bila fikir balik, I've struggled for someone and tried to make them smile but when it comes to me or my day no one gives a shit. It makes me tearing up. I didn't mean to start everything ke apa. I'm just sad. Ingat senang ke nak be happy again in a second. Some people just don't understand apa orang dah buat untuk dia and they don't remember. Tapi takpelah.. 

Today was good. I actually get to spent a little time with my family which I kinda love. I never wanted to be far from them or tak rapat or something I just don't really like it. We went out from morning and get home at evening which is crazy I was so tired cause I had to wake up early and stuffs. We went to canggih seksyen 13 and bought my school uniforms and my bro's. Its last though for me no more buying school uniforms after this. And then we headed up to empire, subang but it was super pack and no parking at all perhaps those christians are buying presents for christmas I don't know la so mum changed plan and we straight to sunway pyramid yes I know no difference still crowded as ever but since they have so much everything  there so we decided to go there. Nothing much, just buying my pet's food and jalan jalan and everything. Nami was meroyan cause he saw the PS4's box hanging up at this kedai game but still, it stated as pre-order. Cause the PS4 baru keluar and obviously sold out everywhere. Bila dah nampak tu macam orang tak betul la jadi nya lol. Then, we walked and I never knew that sunway has opened jelly bunny shoes store yes I love their shoes I think its really cute? I saw this baby pink one and its so unique but apparently my size has sold out. I was so dissapointed and I feel like robohkan je kedai tu haha just kidding but still punah harapan ceh. 

And yes sempat selfie while waiting for our chatime. And mum and I were berbual about something and she said 'kalau ada boyfriend/girlfriend kenalkan dekat mama dulu I wont be mad' I was like awkward and she started to talk about marriage and stuffs like 'nanti kalau kakak kahwin..' I simply don't know how to react. My mum is so random SPM pun tak lepas lagi ni. And oh ignore those menyibuk hands. I was trying to capture the belakang nya. haha so basically today I bought some things from sephora and victoria's secret. Thanks to mumsie for the treats and of course for an awesome day today. Bring us out jalan jalan. She's just the best the sporting-est the craziest annoying-est mother I could ever have. Even if a person offered me thousands dollar pun I would never exchange her with anything ever. TTFN x

I had you at hello

23rd December 2013

Hello.
Basically I still feel the tiredness from yesterday though I have slept over 10 hours. Today was productive and filled at least I'm not like so called terperap dalam rumah je. The point is to accompany my mum but instead bought my school stuffs. Overall I bought pencil case, bag, water bottle and stationery perhaps shoes and uniforms and stuffs will be haunted tomorrow lol it's gonna be my senior year I still can't believe that and SPM, obviously I'm gonna give the best for my parents and prove them although I've tried but I haven't achieve. I'm not that kind of genius brain type of kid but yeah it's all depends on me either I wanna be in ferarri or ride a bicycle. If you know what I meant. I always think like that. I just need to erase this laziness when-it-comes-to-study in me. And then we straight to the damansara and then stop by at the curve for lunch. And then going home. At 515pm just now dad asked us to go out for a jogging. We haven't out for a jog quite while now. We used to though but since they both kept busy-ing them self so no jogging anymore. It's like a miracle when dad said like that. We went jogging together it was exhausting but yeah I always wanted to live a healthy life but going jogging alone is so not my choice. Eventhough I do did some of exercise at home but still it feels boring doing it alone everyday. After jogging, we came home and here I am now updating my blog aha so all I can say is today was quite hectic. Especially next week or this early next year I'll be signing up for a tuition mum took 4 subjects which I think is fine compared to my PMR tuition last year 8 subjects straight BAM! no rest for me the whole week. Insane. But my results? yes dissapoint them alot although they were both like 'nah its okay its not that bad you can do better next time' still, I feel guilty but not this time anymore. I won't make promises but I will strive for it. It's never impossible. Right?

Yesterday I went to setia alam and went to setia city mall considered a hangout la. It wasn't planned at all at first. I were arguing the night before and I decided to go and meet. Who were I arguing with? I dont wanna mention his name here so I will call him Beau. Beau and I were arguing and all the blame was put on my side but it's fine I'll take it. So I went to see beau. We haven't see each other for like two months now and we only able to meet up once. It was a hard time for me that past two months and I had to face it again now. You know when you feel far from someone who gave you too much sweet memories. I don't know if beau feel the same or its just only me or he doesn't care at all. So I met beau at the cinema yup it was awkward but you know I just go on with the flows. The fact that we didn't watch movies like we used to, saddens me a little bit. Feels like everything isn't the same anymore. But I was happy and that's fine I guess. Went to the bowling centre and accompany beau played bowling. I'm not a bowling person so I decided to not join him so I just watch him rock the ball out. I mean bowling ball. Don't get me wrong. Oh yeah, before I forgotten, before went for a bowling, we actually entered some shops and I will eventually laugh when it comes to DAISO. We went in and I was in the 'shower thingy' section. So I grabbed this kind of weird thing I have no idea what it called but I know what its for. So I asked beau 'you nak tahu tak ni untuk apa?' since he already knew it he tried hard to stay away from answering it and kept saying 'tahu. dah la you ada orang tu' and I laughed while said 'untuk celah kangkang' hahahahahaha Beau's reaction is priceless I tell you. He knew it because I questioned him the same question when we were in DAISO sunway pyramid that day. And I swear it was hillarious I mean his reaction. I couldn't stop laughing thinking about it everytime. And after bowling, beau took me outside with a car and it was chill and Beau actually clipped my toe nails cause he hates those kuku panjang and I know it's so weird. And then, had our late lunch at subway and he has to go home. Which makes me.. I dont know I was having a fun time and I wish it was a bit longer. But I think it's fine although the day isn't what I expected. Still, I'm happy...

Tata for now ♥